about sexual harassment and power dynamics
Start.
In the summer of 2015, I found myself at Venture Institute (VI), ALLVP‘s former incubator. I was a young and inexperienced founder, wide-eyed and ready to start a company. I joined VI with a few friends, working on an early idea around savings and investments.
On July 1st, we had our first meeting with Fernando Lelo de Larrea, the firm’s managing partner. We talked about our idea, got some initial feedback, and started working. A few hours later, Fernando sent me a text message welcoming me to VI.
I first thought it was a nice gesture. I was excited and eager to start building a company. In the text message, he suggested that I take a look at Betterment, and told me to reach out to him via WhatsApp. The following morning, I followed up with another company we learned about, and thanked him for sharing his ideas. In response, Fernando sent another suggestion, and ended his message with a kiss face emoji.
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At this moment, I took a mental step back and suddenly felt unsure about his message. I asked myself: What did he mean by sending a kiss face? Did he think that was normal? Is he trying to say something? Why didn’t he send a welcome message to my co-founder? Is this a nice gesture or is it something else?
After 10 minutes of staring at the screen, I responded to his message about the reference, and did not address the kiss face.
At that time, I did not know Fernando well enough to make a judgment, but I knew his message made me uncomfortable. I knew that something was strange, that people did not communicate like that in a professional setting, and that I was better off to save proof of his messages.
Two phones and a new number later, I still have the entire history of our WhatsApp conversations.
At Venture Institute.
During the program, I worked most afternoons at the coworking space in ALLVP’s office. In meetings, Fernando would speak to me with respect and carried himself in a professional manner. He was serious and polite, but also firm and direct when he didn’t agree. Outside of meetings, however, I would find Fernando giving me strange looks as he passed through the coworking space. He would look at me with a gazing stare; and if I noticed him, instead of looking away, he would continue to stare at me even more intensely.
This happened about once a week. In those moments, I felt bullied and harassed. Fernando’s looks felt… dirty. They gave me a chill up my spine, a lingering feeling similar to touching a spider web that you can't get off your hand. As a VC firm, ALLVP and its partners are essentially gatekeepers to resources, funding, connections… etc. They owned part of my company. I began to ask myself: What did Fernando want from me? What would he hold over me in order to get it?
Unlike a regular social context, I could not simply distance myself from Fernando. Unlike dealing with a peer, I feared that asking him to stop would upset him, and in turn, have negative consequences for me and my company.
In trying to deal with this situation, I reached out to two entrepreneurs I trusted in the community to ask for advice. Unfortunately, the responses I received from both could be summarized as: “That’s unfortunate,” and “Try to avoid it.” It was as if they weren’t surprised by Fernando’s actions, and did not consider that changing his behavior was an option. Their genuine advice to me was to avoid Fernando. I was disappointed.
I was in a strange situation. I felt both harassed by Fernando, and at the same time, I also respected him for his knowledge and expertise. In retrospect, I understand now how dangerous of a mix that is. At this time, it was hard for me to clearly identify Fernando’s behavior as wrong for two reasons 1) he had not done anything explicit to me and 2) I didn’t see him fully as a “bad person.”
I concluded that I would continue to be friendly with Fernando and avoid him outside of meetings because I had no power to change his behavior.
Demo Day.
On October 14th, at the end of the program, we had Demo Day to present the different companies in the VI batch. I was to present what had now become Vest Wealth Management. During the presentations, Fernando messaged me “Go Vest!!!!” to cheer us on before the presentation and later added, “I have to tell you you’re my favorite entrepreneur ever.”
I instantly felt uncomfortable. ALLVP at the time was already working with some great founders, and there were other companies in the current batch that had already gained much more traction than Vest. Fernando’s message sounded like a false and exaggerated statement in order to gain my attention. The wave of questions came again: What did he want now? Was this his Hail Mary pass because the program was ending? Is he going to ask me for something?
Wanting to avoid trouble, I responded by thanking him for his words and moved the conversation forward to requesting a meeting in the coming weeks.
I normally requested meetings with Fernando through Emy who managed his calendar, and had learned that he would be away on a trip. As I mentioned this to him, his response was, “I leave on Friday to London. Want to come with me?”
At that moment, I didn’t know what to do. He had now explicitly asked me for something. Could it be a joke? Could he be disguising it as a joke? What would happen if I said no? Would he make it difficult for me to run my company? Would I be blacklisted from fundraising?
I ran through the scenarios of turning him down to find a way that clearly said no, and at the same time wouldn’t offend or embarrass him because I still had to work with him.
I did something that women know too well, play along. I deflected his question and told him that maybe if things go well for Vest we’d have our own trip to London to go to a FinTech program. He left the topic alone. I felt safe.
(As I wrote this post in segments, I went to WhatsApp at different times to take screenshots of the past conversations. I noticed that Fernando’s privacy settings had changed and his icon photo was no longer visible.)
It’s an ugly feeling having to thank someone as a way to appease them after they’ve made you feel threatened. It’s an ugly feeling having to play along because you’re afraid of the other person’s power over you and your career.
Dealing with Fernando reminded me of a situation all too familiar in Vietnam and Mexico. It is common there that you are pulled over by the police, often at night, after having done nothing wrong – simply to be extorted before you are left to go on your way. There is a certain feeling of indignance in knowing that you did nothing wrong, but someone with authority over you has decided to target you. As they bully you, you have to continue to be polite to them. Depending on how you manage, you might get out of the situation without having to bribe the police officer. This same feeling of indignance was how I felt when interacting with Fernando.
Afterwards.
After finishing the program, I no longer had to see Fernando every day, and no longer received uncomfortable messages or stares. However, I still had to interact with him for certain things related to Vest. I realized that every time I had to text him, call him, meet with him… I felt uneasy and wanted to avoid the interaction all together. I never shook away the uncomfortable feeling of having to interact with Fernando.
Throughout this experience, I started to internalize that it was my fault that this happened, that I did something to attract this unwanted attention, that I looked a certain way that invited his behavior.
I have never been someone who worried much about the way I looked. But I started to make an active effort to care less. I found myself buying clothes that were less fitting. I stopped wearing the little make up that I did. I stopped taking care of my hair and left it dry and frizzy. I was trying to make myself “ugly” because I thought that making myself less attractive would solve this unwanted attention. I became colder and more strict in my professional interactions. I stopped smiling, and showed a neutral face to those I didn’t know. During this time, some would describe me as always looking serious or angry.
It took over 2 years for me to come to the conclusion that it wasn’t my fault.
In 2018, I set one of my New Year's resolutions to “be beautiful”. I wanted to undo the mindset of having to make myself “ugly” and cold to others. I should simply be myself, and if similar situations arise, I can deal with them as they come. I found that the best way I could “do something” was to share my experience openly with my personal and professional circle. I wanted both men and women to realize that these situations were common, unfair, and could be corrected or prevented.
I wanted women to understand that they are not alone, they don’t have to tolerate this behavior, and it’s okay to do something about it. I wanted men to understand so they could stand up for their female peers, and to understand how power dynamics can amplify a situation. I don’t believe it was the case for Fernando, but I am certain that there are people in the world who would commit this same act while not realizing its harm.
Reflections.
I cannot speak on behalf of Fernando for what his intentions were and whether the origins of his actions came from malice or ignorance. But I can say that as a professional, a manager, a CEO, and a coach, his behavior would be intolerable within any of my own teams.
In the last months, many accusations about Fernando have surfaced. They’ve led to an investigation within ALLVP and to the resignation of Fernando as partner. As a member of the entrepreneurial ecosystem in Mexico, I believe that the focus is on moving forward, setting a higher standard for ourselves, and no longer tolerating this behavior. As a person who has felt wronged in a profound way… I felt a sense of relief and justice when I heard the news.
With these recent events, several friends, colleagues, and entrepreneurs reached out to me. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that many came with a common question: “Should I have done something differently when you told me?”
This is a hard question to answer. As a community, I think we’re all trying to understand how to handle and prevent these situations. I’m not sure what could have been done better in the past, but I know that asking ourselves these questions is a step in the right direction.
Call to action.
The idea of sharing this experience publicly, was, and still is, intimidating. Before writing this, I asked myself what would people think of me? Would they view me as being dramatic and overly sensitive? Would this affect my professional prospects? Would clients and colleagues avoid working with me?
With the same spirit as when I shared my experience with those close to me, I came to the conclusion that if my post could be helpful to someone else, that would be enough of a reason to write it.
I defined three intended results in sharing this experience:
1) For those who find themselves in a similar situation as mine: I would like for you to understand that you are not alone. You do not have to play along, and you can report these situations. It is not your fault, and people can be held accountable for their actions. Together, as a community, we can change this unfortunate norm.
2) For those who find themselves in a position of power: I would like for you to be aware of power dynamics, and how they affect your interactions with others. What one may consider “harmless flirting” can create a very demeaning experience for someone else.
3) For companies and other organizations: With your leadership, managers, teams – set an hour in the calendar to have this conversation. Define a protocol to deal with this type of harassment. Define how you will go about investigating and what actions are to be taken. Define a safe space for incidents to be reported. Most importantly, when the time comes, execute.
You may never need to use this in your organization. But, the fact that you took the time to think this through will have created more awareness for yourself and for your team. It will promote a healthier environment for your employees and the ecosystem overall.
I commend ITAM for creating this space that has now also allowed me to share my own experience.
